My mother tells me
that when I meet someone I like,
I have to ask them three questions:
1. what are you afraid of?
2. do you like dogs?
3. what do you do when it rains?
of those three, she says the first one is the most important.
“They gotta be scared of something, baby. Everybody is. If they aren’t afraid of anything, then they don’t believe in anything, either.”
I met you on a Sunday, right
one look and my heart fell into
my stomach like a trap door.
on our second date,
I asked you what you were afraid of.
“spiders, mostly. being alone. little children, like, the ones who just learned how to push a kid over on the playground. oh and space. holy shit, space.”
I asked you if you liked dogs.
“I have three.”
I asked you what you do when it rains.
“sleep, mostly. sometimes I sit at the window and watch the rain droplets race. I make a shelter out of plastic in my backyard for all the stray animals; leave them food and a place to sleep.”
he smiled like he knew.
like his mom told him the same
“how about you?”
I’m scared of everything.
of the hole in the o-zone layer,
of the lady next door who never
smiles at her dog,
and especially of all the secrets
the government must be breaking
it’s back trying to keep from us.
I love dogs so much, you have no idea.
I sleep when it rains.
I want to tell everyone I love them.
I want to find every stray animal and bring them home.
I want to wake up in your hair
and make you shitty coffee
and kiss your neck
and draw silly stick figures of us.
I never want to ask anyone else
Fun update on my research plan. Thought it was supposed to be in outline form— nope, supposed to be a 5 to 8 page paper. Cool cool cool. Came in to class with just the outline, frantically wrote and finished the whole 7 page paper in an hour after the class, emailed it to the professor saying WOOPS I SENT THE WRONG DOCUMENT BEFORE HERE YA GO.
It’s also definitely stupid. I really love IR. I love thinking about the puzzles, I love doing the readings, I love lying in bed at night and thinking about these structures and systems and histories and the intertwining psychology of it all. I love sorting through the data, and through the personal statements and speeches and figuring out what they said vs what they meant vs what happened. I love it all, but I don’t think I’m really that good at it. Ultimately, I’ve only learned that there are more puzzles and that most everything has too many qualifications for me to decide on any kind of ideology. I don’t get how someone can just be like WELL I’M A REALIST. or I DEFINITELY BELIEVE IN LIBERAL INSTITUTIONALISM. i think maybe the closest I’ve gotten to an IR theory that consistently strikes me is Constructivism. And also the theory of Welp, We’re All Fucked but that’s a personal belief rather than an academic one.
I’m definitely just going to graduate as a moron with a degree.